Why I Think Fat Guys Get Better Cell Reception

by Paul Castain on March 3, 2014

I went to Starbucks the other day to get some work done and to grow my hair back via large doses of caffeine.

Low and  behold I come across two “Pacers” on their cell phone.

Time Out . . . I bet you don’t know what a “Pacer” is.

A “Pacer” is someone who walks back and forth while talking on their cell phone.

That’s fine, I happen to be one of them and to my knowledge, short of shackling someone, there is no known cure.

So any way, I’ve come to the conclusion that since I have more than a few pounds I need to lose, and these cell phone “Pacers” seem to stop in front of my table, that the only logical conclusion is that the cellular signal increases when it bounces off my belly.

Or maybe we need to “take a knee” and have a little . . .

“Cell Phone Etiquette” Refresher

1)    Please don’t take calls in restaurants. There is no reason why you should do that to your guests as well as the people around you. Here’s a thought: If you’re really that busy, grab a sandwich at your desk!

2)    If you do need to take a call, speak at the same volume you would if the person were at your table. The problem with cell phones is that most people speak way too loud.

3)    If you do need to take the call, please stop pacing. You might think that spreading out your rudeness between 10 or more tables is being kind, but I respectfully disagree.

4)    Should you decide to make a call in front of lots of people, stop talking in a manner that makes you think we care about your call. I mean, I think its really cool that you just told Sally that the “London office is expanding” but you and I both know its really your wife telling you that you have to pick up junior after his mathletes event.

5)    Don’t even think of talking on your phone in the restroom. Its wrong and I hope the 6th grade version of yourself appears long enough to push you into a flushing urinal. Oh and should it ever become evident that someone has called you from the depths of a toilet as evidenced by the all telling echo, toilet flush or barrage of explosive diarrhea  . . you need to reevaluate that friendship. UNACCEPTABLE!

6)    I hope you turn your cell phone off when you are with clients. If not, I hope you don’t take the call.

7)    As a general rule, you really should either go outside or go to an area where there aren’t people (like Siberia or a Waffle House)

8) There was an amazing discovery recently after a study was conducted by a group of the worlds best scientists. They concluded that the world would NOT end if we didn’t stop what we’re doing to take EVERY call.

Any who, I gotta run. My cell phone is going off and I want to take it before the fat dude at the next table screws up my signal!

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