This is a guest post from my friend Marcus Sheridan.

Yep, I finally have found him. After months of study, interviews, and analytics the decision has been made. So without further ado, the winner of the worst sales pitch in the world goes to…(insert drum roll here please)….

Ray…..aka Mr. SEO Expert Solicitor Guy!!

I know, I know, you’re inquiring mind would like to know how such a prestigious award could have been determined. Well, to be completely honest with you, it happened just two days ago as I received notice on my blackberry of a lead that had come into our system. It read as follows, word for word, and as soon as I saw it, I knew I needn’t look any further:

First Name: Ray

Last Name: (left blank)

Email: (Hidden to Prevent Shame)

Message: Dear Head of Business Development, Were you aware that you are paying every time your online marketing advertisement is clicked? It hurts! I know, as many of our clients have shared this frustration when I first talked to them about how to drive more quality prospects to their sites – without having to constantly pay for every click. I thought you might like to know some of the reasons why you are not getting more organic (FREE) search engine traffic for your company.

1. Your home page rank is 2, this can be improved further. 2. Your title is 66% relevant. This can be improved for higher Google ranking. 3. Your site has 13 Yahoo back links, this can be improved further. If you can stomach more bad news about what your site needs, and are curious to know what our working together would involve, then I would be glad to provide you with further detailed analysis in the form of a SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION (SEO) SITE REPORT – FREE OF CHARGE.

My buddy Ray has been nice enough to fill out a form on my company’s website 3 times now, but each time I have not given him his full due and replied with honor and dignity. That’s why I’ve decided to pay homage to this Jedi SEO Master and reply to him publicly and openly. Also, as I’m sure many of you that own a business or are in sales have seen this type of ‘hot’ lead come into your system as well, if the following response to ‘Ray’ does not suit your needs, I do apologize. Otherwise, feel free to copy and paste this response the next time Mr. Online SEO Solicitor Guy is kind enough to send you such a thought-out and thorough email.

Dear Ray,

Yes, I do know what Pay Per Click is, as I tend to read my credit card statement each month. And yes, it does hurt a little, but reading your crappy solicitations hurt worse….That being said, let’s take a look at your incredible statistics….

1. Your home page rank is 2: Hmmm. Wow. Now that’s some profound stuff there Mr. Ray. I’d bet it be even more profound if I knew what in the #!$%@#$@% you were talking about.

2. Your title is 66% relevant: Holy cow. I’m floored. Really, this one is going to take a while to get over. But since I don’t know what you mean by this stupid stat, I’ll just assume you’re saying my title is 66% more relevant than this poorly executed solicitation you’re sending me with numbers my 3 year old daughter could have made up and explained better.

3. Your site has 13 Yahoo back links: Geeez Ray, you’re killing me man…I could have lived with these other incredibly depressing numbers, but now that you’ve mentioned ‘Yahoo’ I guess that means I’m royally screwed….Dang it!!

4. If you can stomach more bad news……then I would be glad to provide you with further detailed analysis: Please Ray, please, no more bad news your Royal SEOness. I can’t take another second of this brutality. I think I’ll just go crawl in a hole and die now…

Don’t Be that Guy

OK, in all seriousness for a second, I wanted to share this little experience with Ray this past week because it truly does give the perfect ‘How not to sell anything to anybody’ technique. In fact, in between smiles and laughter as I’m looking at this sales pitch, 5 lessons come to mind:

1. Introduce yourself: This guy Ray apparently was not even given a last name from his parents at birth. Pretty messed up if you ask me.

2. Call me by name: Yeah, I got one, so why don’t you use it as I clearly prefer it over ‘Head of Business Development’.

3. Don’t feed me a load of bull: Be straight. Be real. Nobody likes a fake.

4. Don’t make up stats: Stats are worthless without relevancy. Despite the fact I own a web coaching and marketing company and do SEO for a living, I have no idea where this dufus got his numbers. Unbelievable.

5. Do your research: If you’re going to act like you know about a company and its weaknesses, for Pete’s sake do your homework and throw the freaking form letter in the trash. As we all know, form letters stink from a mile away. Again, let’s be real.

So is it difficult not to walk the lazy path of Ray when it comes to our sales approach? Yeah, sure it requires a little more effort, but that’s why we’re the best. That’s why we read Uncle P’s blog every week. We recognize the status quo sucks, and it ain’t for us. So as you go about your incredible job as a sales professional this week, please make it a point to be the antithesis of Ray. Be your best. Go the extra mile. Such is the stuff great sales professionals are made of.

** If you liked this article, take a little trip on over to Marcus Sheridan’s well-known blog, The Sales Lion, and subscribe to his witty, frank, and utterly motivating sales, marketing, and general life success articles.