The pallbearers brought my coffin slowly down the aisle as the organist played “Lighter shade of pale” She played it with just the right amount of sadness and I must say I was proud of my entrance for a change.
Truth be told, I was a little disappointed in the turnout. Don’t get me wrong, people came to say goodbye to me, but I guess I always thought I had made more of a difference. After all I had 5,000 friends on Twitter!
I glanced over at my wife and she hadn’t aged a bit. Come to think of it, neither had my kids or the rest of my family. I guess Castain left the building a tad early and wasn’t on the 95 year plan as he had planned! I looked at my little girl and felt a deep sense of regret for not being able to walk her down the aisle one day. I looked at my two sons and wondered who they would have “guy talk” with. I won’t even tell you how upset I was to see my high school sweetheart, alone and devastated. Thank God I kept up on the life insurance. At least I got that part right! Then I get this stupid flash back to that scene in “It’s A Wonderful Life” when Mr Potter tells George Bailey that he’s worth more dead than alive. The old crow was right! Go figure!
The Priest began the service by introducing the first of 4 speakers who had come to pay tribute to Paul Castain. Yep . . . 4 speakers at my funeral! Freakin rock star even in death baby!
First up, one of my coworkers. They flew in from Texas too! I remember thinking “This is cool but not that cool ‘cause I’m still dead” They spoke of how I saw a light in those I trained, often before they saw it in themselves. They spoke of my accomplishments, my reputation, my love for sales. Well, guilty as charged baby! Don’t try this at home kids. Uncle Paul is (or was) a trained professional! What happened next pissed me off. They should have stopped there on a high note but Noooooo, they went ahead and said it. Mr Amateur Eulogy dude felt a need to mention that I always wanted to write a book and now it would never be. Doh! Way to go to your grave with your music still in your head Castain!
The next speaker was one of my dearest friends. He spoke of how I supported him and was always there for him. I remember thinking how much more I could have contributed to our friendship but those thoughts were worthless now. I hung my head and whispered “I’m sorry”.
My brother stepped up next. He talked about his “baby brother” and shared some funny stories of me growing up. While the audience was entertained by his stories, I can’t say there was anything in his words that would indicate I was a good brother, a good son to my parents, a friend when needed. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t blame him but I was growing more and more disgusted with myself!
When the hell was someone going to get to the essence of who I was? Glad I didn’t hold my breath, but then again I’m pretty sure dead dudes don’t breathe but you get the point.
The priest was the last speaker and spoke about me in very general terms. He didn’t pretend to have known me, because quite frankly he didn’t. The wise guy in me was thinking he used some kind of “Madlibs For Funerals” but that thought didn’t last long. Neither did his speech. If this was supposed to represent the spiritual side of Paul Castain, then I truly failed. Why don’t you just have the organist play Eleanor Rigby while you’re at it Padre?
I can’t tell you how the rest of my funeral went because I had seen enough!
I concluded the exercise a very depressed but enlightened soul! (You didn’t really think I kicked the bucket. Did ya?)
I found myself doing something that tough, guarded people don’t do. It was not so tough, and not so guarded and it manifested in the form of tears. Of course my wife had to walk in, while I was upset. I thought quickly and told her I was reviewing our retirement fund.
My funeral and the 4 eulogies was precipitated by an exercise in The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People. Dr Covey’s exercise called for beginning with the end in mind. My digression took me to how that funeral would actually play out. It was too easy to envision how I wished it would execute, so I chose a different path.
Much introspection followed (more than a year to be precise) and here’s how things look today:
Professional Eulogy Update: The last year for me has been incredible. I have found my voice through blogging, I’ve refined my sales methodology and finally found a concept to write a book around. I made a conscious decision in January 2009 to start giving back to the sales profession and in doing so, have experienced a level of “wealth” that is indescribable.
Friendship Eulogy Update: For many years I had failed at the personal friendship thing. Part of that I attribute to being on the shy side and part of it is simply focusing too much on business. Actually, those were the safe excuses. The real reason is that I am too busy putting up a wall that my own vulnerability can’t shine through. Guarded people scare friendships away but I’m happy to say, the bulk of that is behind me. I’ve become more sensitive and have learned to stop being a coach, a “jedi”, “Uncle Paul” and open myself up for friendship. There’s an old saying along the lines of us not knowing what we have ‘til it’s gone. For me it was the opposite. I didn’t know what I was missing until I experienced the benefits of having it in my life. Life is too incredible to not have the company of good friends.
On the family front, I have the Dad thing down pretty solid and always have. Husband? Check! Brother and son, well to say I suck would be a huge improvement. I have a tendency to get caught up in my aspirations of conquering the world at the expense of not keeping in touch with brothers, sister and even my mother. I still give myself a failing grade in that portion of family but I’m hoping my awareness transcends into action. Hopefully before one of us is in that casket for real!
Spiritual Eulogy Update: About a year ago, I decided to stop by my old church. I have no clue why and found it kind of odd that after several years of being absent, I was suddenly drawn back. I felt rather ashamed of myself and felt my super human sales guru defenses kicking in, in the form of “holding back”. I told my ego to wait outside while I had a very important chat with someone I hadn’t seen in a while. I’m convinced that I received an answer. A very clear and concise one at that! I had this instant feeling of “Who did you think you are, going this journey alone?” It was a moment of complete vulnerability for me. No body armor, no defaulting to my humor; just me and God having at it. I took my lumps, made my peace and then left with a new gadget for my life in the form of spiritual GPS. Its been on ever since and I’ve rekindled a relationship that is very important to me.
Perhaps my biggest “Aha” from the exercise was the articulation of something that weighs heavy in the hearts of all of us mortals.
A sense that when all is said and done, and we close my eyes for the last time, that our life was lived with intention, purpose and made the lives of others richer and fuller.
Translation: We all want to “matter”!
And that is what all this “stuff” is going to come down to in the form of the legacy we leave behind
So now that I’ve opened myself up to you, would you be willing to open up to yourself?
Please find a quite moment to ask yourself:
How will my “Professional Eulogy” inspire?
How will my “Friendship Eulogy” be embraced?
How will my “Family Eulogy” be admired?
How will my “Spiritual Eulogy” be celebrated?
How will I matter?
And on that note, I better get going now. I have some eulogies I need to rewrite . . . while I’m still here to enjoy them!
“Bartender . . . A double shot of Carpe Diem for my readers please!”
